What Scares Me

My life = meh.

School is starting in just a week and I'm still not fully prepared. I mean, I'm technically prepared. I've gotten all my textbooks (except one it's on order), notebooks, and school supplies. Yet I still feel a gazillion mixed emotions about it. I'm excited. This is a new world for me, and it is literally like I'm going to Kindergarten on the first day. Everything is so new. Everything is so big. But at the same time, I'm nervous. I have a great schedule, and many of my friends will be going to the same University that I am, so I ask myself, why the nerves?

I sat on the bus thinking about this. Well, for one it's a new environment, and new people. But I'm not shy and I love meeting new people. I'm quite outgoing. So no, it isn't that. Then I thought, well it's a lot of hard work, and I'm going to miss the less than serious days I spent all throughout grade school. But I kept on thinking, wondering why was this bugging me so much? I've been looking forward to this for at least a year, and I had always had the mindset of "this will be fun, this will be new, this will be a fresh start." Why the sudden fear I'm developing?

Then it came to me. Everybody has fears. In my mind, there are only two types. There's the Superficial Fear, and the Deep Fear. Superficial Fears are those that you are willing to tell people. My Superficial Fear is heights. But what about those Deep Fears? The ones that subconsciously gnaw at the very core of your being. Those are the fears that are so personal, that just the thought of telling someone about them makes you 100% vulnerable. They are the fears that I believe can shape how you act in society, and depending on the degree, define you as a person. Now, I'm no psychiatrist, but I think that once you find the source of your Deep Fears it's what will unlock you from a mountain of worry, because once you realize what it is you can begin to have a mini "self-discovery" session and work through it.

Right when I thought this was a circle of futile thoughts, it hit me. It's not the change of people that I am afraid of, because as I said before, I love meeting new people. I also love a change of scenery. My fear is of being rejected. Yes, people always say it's so silly to care what others think of you. And they are right. I usually don't. But this is all out of my comfort zone, and it's not something I've ever experienced before.

Then I became aware of the fact that it's not a fear of committing to working hard, but the crux of the matter is that I don't want to keep on being rejected by my mother as a less than desirable being in her house. I do not want to continue to prove my mother right that I am a failure, but instead I want to show her she's wrong. All these years she's been on my case, it's finally a chance for me to show her that I can do this, and she is wrong.

I mean, this is what I want... Shouldn't it be?