Second String

Tim Horton's Tea, at night time makes me extremely happy. If I know, that I will go to Tim Horton's that night, it will brighten my entire day. Thinking about the events of tomorrow have already got me down. Paper due. Read 100 pages. Math quiz, Psychology quiz, well two of them. Also I have a midterm and project due this week. This makes me really wish I got seriously hurt and end up spending weeks in the hospital.

Also, I think that I don't get mad over everything. If someone tells me that they have plans with both me, and someone else, I don’t mind. You know why? Because I know you have your own life, and I have mine too. I don’t expect to be attached to you all the time, or obsessively know what you're doing 24/7. But it’d be nice to know a little beforehand if you are planning on bailing on me with these other people. And yeah, I do feel a little hurt, and upset that you make plans with me, then leave me for something better, but then when those plans fall through I’m ALWAYS your second choice. But that doesn’t even matter too much to me, because I can handle it. I always forgive you within days anyways... don’t I? And I supposed if you are still into being friends with me... or girls with a pulse, why would I care.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s still okay for you to just always use me as your “back-up” plan, even if you don’t do it intentionally. But when you don’t want me hanging out with you and whatever girl you’ve snapped up for the day, then feel free to tell me, because truthfully, if it was me I’d probably tell you straight up that I don’t want to hang out with you that day. But if I do... don’t worry... I still love you ;) And if I do, who knows? Maybe I’ll make it up to you in some other form. ;)

what's the point

Kind of going off the last blog I posted, but I find that its lame how society raises people that can’t handle hearing about certain situations, like death, or abuse or whatever it happens to be, because it happens all the time. Sadly enough. Yet people are forced to feel alone, and go through it all, feeling as though they are the only one who knows what it’s like.
It’s become unacceptable to speak of some of the worst things that happen in the world, in public. Now I don’t mean the things like war, or earthquakes. But those are definitely some of the worst things that happen in the world. I am talking about something more… something that strips away all the dignity in people. Instead of talking about these things in a serious way, people my age seem to all turn it into one big joke.

The other day, I was on the bus, and there were a few guys that got on the bus from my University.  They took a seat next to me, and unfortunately I didn’t have my iPod to block them out because trust me, I would have if I could. They started speaking very loudly about how so-and-so “raped” the other team in a hockey game, and how “raping” was the best thing ever. Basically using said word, to replace winning. How the hell does rape equate to winning?! Hello, they are nothing alike. And if you think so, go die fucktard. So, the bastards continue being loud and obnoxious on the bus. They actually began talking about rape, in the sense that the word was meant to be used, and they were graphically describing how “awesome” it would be if they could do that, and how they would pat each other’s backs and celebrate about it. Like, WHAT THE HELL. The youth today are seriously messed in the heads.

What's the point of making it all a joke? It's not really that funny. Actually, it’s not funny at all. Period. Especially for those that have gone through something as traumatizing as that. So why the hell is it all a big joke to some people? I guess it's something that my empathy can never help me understand.

I'm Sorry?

I'm sorry.

I’ve never really understood why people say it, plus it’s far overused. Whenever I tell someone something that’s “sad” or makes people uncomfortable to talk about, the automatic response is “I’m sorry.” I think, What? Why on Earth are you sorry? It happened to me. Besides, I don’t tell you things because I’m seeking sympathy, or silly such reasons. I tell you, because I trust you, and I trust you a lot. I tell you, because you are a good friend of mine, and I feel safe with you. I’m not looking for any “Oh poor muffin” responses. I talk, and I want you to listen.

I’ve never really understood why it’s some sort of obsessive compulsive response to always just blurt out “I’m sorry” when someone says “Oh my pet chicken died” or whatever the sad situation is.

I find that “I’m sorry” is just a phrase that people say when they have no other words. Or they have no idea how to react, and find it all just uncomfortable. But one thing I could never stand is when people tell me “I’m sorry” after I say something, I feel like they are belittling me, and it is so condescending. They are treating me as though I’m some sort of martyr or something. I mean, I’m not, obviously. I had the strength to tell you didn’t I? Personally I’ve always found it just to be something that’s shown, not said. Because they are just words. And words don’t mean hardly as much as how you act.

That’s why I hardly ever apologize. As pathetic as it sounds, I only recently found out what empathy means. Apparently it means to actually take on how someone else feels. After being through one of the worst thing ever, it’s like I can feel how much people hurt from things, and I guess that’s why I always can understand why most people act the way they do. Whereas sympathy is just feeling sorry for someone, and understanding that they feel upset or whatever they feel. Empathy has a deeper connection understanding-wise. Maybe it’s weird that I’ve never been able to be sympathetic, but always empathetic. It’s like when I hear songs, it’s not just a song to me. I have an emotional attachment to it as weird as that may sound. Who knows? Maybe it's an advantage.

Dear you,,

This is it.

I deserve respect. I deserve to be treated nicely. I DO NOT deserve to have people walk over me.

I am a great friend and a great person - I know I am. I care about everyone, I  am always nice despite what people say or do to me, I will message somebody I barely speak to just to make sure they're alright. I treat my friends with respect, I will make an ass out of myself just to make them smile, I am careful with my choice of words, I will drop everything and go to my friend in need.

However, I will not speak to you or communicate with you in any way. Never again. You broke my heart. I loved you and tried to be my best for you.

If this is how it's going to be, I do not need you. I have friends that are way better to me than you ever were. My life is not over just because I am losing you.
My life has been crap lately... I have been depressed out of my mind. You are so caught up in your world and yourself (as it always has been). You don't have the decency to grow up and be there for the person who has always been there for you.

One day you will realize and I know you'll regret losing me. But by then it'll be too late.
I have people who love me and care about me.
And they're what I need. Not you. Not anymore.

Goodbye.

paranoia..

Since I am pressed for time, I will not bother with an intro and just jump into it.

There is one person who hurt me, and he was in my class in ninth grade. After that, we branched off to different schools. Now, I'm in my first year of university. I thought I was just about over everything. I was moving on, and going to just continue doing the best I can do. I was happy, excited, and feeling very confident about my classes, and I felt more safe than I'd felt in a long time at my university..

I was walking down the hallway, when I see Him, standing there. He was staring right at me, and his gaze followed where I walked to. I began to panic. Thoughts race through my mind. What is he doing here? Oh my god he sees me. My heart starts beating abnormally fast. I feel the adrenaline coursing throughout me... I turn around, and R U N . I literally ran to the OPPOSITE side of campus, as fast as I could.

I sat on the steps, and was trying to process everything. I was so confused! How could I let this affect me?! I've had too many years of my life lived and directed by the influence of the negative people in my life. I thought I was going to TAKE CONTROL, and excel at a place I've already begun to love.

I feel as though I'm back at square one. I'm constantly checking hallways, and always scared to see him again.. I'm relapsing back to the old me who allowed the people who hurt me most run my life, and have such a significant impact on me.

I want to take it back.
I feel so lost.

What Scares Me

My life = meh.

School is starting in just a week and I'm still not fully prepared. I mean, I'm technically prepared. I've gotten all my textbooks (except one it's on order), notebooks, and school supplies. Yet I still feel a gazillion mixed emotions about it. I'm excited. This is a new world for me, and it is literally like I'm going to Kindergarten on the first day. Everything is so new. Everything is so big. But at the same time, I'm nervous. I have a great schedule, and many of my friends will be going to the same University that I am, so I ask myself, why the nerves?

I sat on the bus thinking about this. Well, for one it's a new environment, and new people. But I'm not shy and I love meeting new people. I'm quite outgoing. So no, it isn't that. Then I thought, well it's a lot of hard work, and I'm going to miss the less than serious days I spent all throughout grade school. But I kept on thinking, wondering why was this bugging me so much? I've been looking forward to this for at least a year, and I had always had the mindset of "this will be fun, this will be new, this will be a fresh start." Why the sudden fear I'm developing?

Then it came to me. Everybody has fears. In my mind, there are only two types. There's the Superficial Fear, and the Deep Fear. Superficial Fears are those that you are willing to tell people. My Superficial Fear is heights. But what about those Deep Fears? The ones that subconsciously gnaw at the very core of your being. Those are the fears that are so personal, that just the thought of telling someone about them makes you 100% vulnerable. They are the fears that I believe can shape how you act in society, and depending on the degree, define you as a person. Now, I'm no psychiatrist, but I think that once you find the source of your Deep Fears it's what will unlock you from a mountain of worry, because once you realize what it is you can begin to have a mini "self-discovery" session and work through it.

Right when I thought this was a circle of futile thoughts, it hit me. It's not the change of people that I am afraid of, because as I said before, I love meeting new people. I also love a change of scenery. My fear is of being rejected. Yes, people always say it's so silly to care what others think of you. And they are right. I usually don't. But this is all out of my comfort zone, and it's not something I've ever experienced before.

Then I became aware of the fact that it's not a fear of committing to working hard, but the crux of the matter is that I don't want to keep on being rejected by my mother as a less than desirable being in her house. I do not want to continue to prove my mother right that I am a failure, but instead I want to show her she's wrong. All these years she's been on my case, it's finally a chance for me to show her that I can do this, and she is wrong.

I mean, this is what I want... Shouldn't it be?